So.

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So.

Postby Oseirus on Mon Jun 04, 2012 1:17 am

Let me start with an apology. This post will probably rant and ramble and meander and not make much sense. For that I'm sorry. But that's ok. I'm not really trying to say anything specific, I just want to tell a little bit of my story. Whether this speaks to you in some odd way, or you simply dismiss it as some random nut crying on the internet, makes no difference to me. My only goal here is to make sense of some... foreign thoughts, and to put them out there in some form like I've never really done before.

I wish I could say this sudden spark was more random than not, but unfortunately no. Sometimes, you just find that one thing that triggers some odd emotions that you really just don't know what to do with them. And today that happened to me in the form of a webcomic that some of you might have heard about: .

Specifically, the June 3 update.

Image

Now, we've all seen a billion different versions of the same damned story from a billion different people who ultimately are just, for whatever reason, terrible at being human. That's not to say they're particularly bad or unlikeable people, it's just that maybe they don't really mesh well with the rest of the world around them.

I'm one of these people. Sure, I have a few friends, and maybe here on the internet I've made my mark, however small and insignificant, but the vast majority of my days have been filled with those last two words you see in the comic above. Unbearable loneliness.

Granted, I'm FAR from the worst case scenario. I haven't been officially diagnosed with any particular disorders, and while I'm not one to start rattling off various underlying issues that I may or may not have, my isolation is, as far as I can tell, fairly self-inflicted. But that's not really the point. The bottom line is that, somehow, I've all but detached myself from the world around me, and I don't see any real way to get back in. I'm not old, but I'm past the point where it's really possible to redevelop myself and become the kind of person that can actually interact and become part of the people around him.

That doesn't mean I don't crave it though. Day after day, and (more painfully) night after night, I'm reminded that I really am basically alone. Meeting new people is a terrifying ordeal for me in any capacity, and it's virtually impossible for me to mesh with co-workers or people who don't fit an exact profile that I can get along with. When you boil it down, I'm stuck with close family members and a couple of sorta-close friends. Even my girlfriend, the woman I love and trust more than anyone else in this world, could be shuffled into the "wouldn't-really-miss-them-if-they-were-gone" category. Which is a problem.

Social stigmas? Anxiety? Isolated personality? You could probably describe me with all those terms. And more. Again though, I'm not here to self-diagnose. Simply to wonder if there's an end to it, preferably one that comes BEFORE they put me six feet under. To wonder if I'll ever break these chains holding me back from functioning like a rational, inclusive human being. To wonder if I'll ever stop being terrified of everyone around me just long enough to be able to find something, someONE to hold onto and be a part of and be happy with for the rest of my otherwise quiet, droll life.

All I really, truly want in life is a reason to be here. To be more than just some guy that some people knew that led a moderately mediocre life and died quietly of old age. It's a gaping hole that I've tried to fill with so many different things... video games, money, sex, alcohol... but ultimately these crude vices are little more than scotch tape over an otherwise empty void that constantly grows larger and larger, threatening to crush me and devour me whole.

I don't care what that reason is. Whether I suddenly find the miracle cure for cancer or simply become that special guy in someone's life that's able to provide and give them everything they could ever need or want, it doesn't matter to me...

I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

For those of you who stayed for this entire tirade, I thank you. Admittedly, it wasn't much of a story, but it was something I needed to say to someone. Even the anonymous face of the internet is a much more comforting blanket than keeping everything locked away in the darker corners of my mind. You don't need to worry, I'll be ok. I'm not going to kill myself or become an addict or anything stupid like that. Those things would just be a colossal step backwards. I'm going to simply continue being me, continue trying to find that one thing that fills the void.

And until then, I'm gonna smile and say everything is just fine. Just... don't read into it too much.
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Re: So.

Postby Avolendi on Mon Jun 04, 2012 6:06 am

Personally I have this logic. I don't give a damn about anything that happens beyond my sphere of influence in the world. Tied to this is however that when things do fall inside, that I should do my best to do what I can to help. The following is my point of view on this and also how I dealt (and am dealing) with similar issues.

I think you should derive happiness from being yourself. Beyond that try to improve things your unhappy about by making a goal out of it and slowly work towards fixing it. This of course won't suddenly fix things, but in time you can at least get improvement. In this I speak from experience.

There is (very likely) no way for this to end by outside influence. The solution is to fix things yourself and it won't be easy. To begin with, yet most importantly, is how you look at things. If you don't let this get you down then you can already better deal with it. For example if you don't care what others think of you, you could step up to those co-workers and just stand with them and listen to what they have to say. Indirectly it creates self-confidence that allows you to get further.
A lot of people fear what 'others' think of them. I have that issue myself (though not often any more). The irony is that if you think about how you think of others, what do you think? Someone with a bad hair day? Someone with sloppy clothes? (I assume) you won't care, especially if you don't even know them. Other people probably also won't give a damn about you in the sense that they're not judging you. They're just people, also walking on a street or whereever. So why be bothered by it?
This might sound like it'll become easy when you're able to apply this, but in reality things aren't that easy (though I found it does help). I've been keeping this in mind for some time now and I can still at times feel uncomfortable in public places since I've never been that much of a sociale person. But it has become less often and most cases I feel at ease regardless of where I am.

This may not have made me into a more social person per se, but I'm more at ease with my life and slowly I'm getting along easier with others. I try to be happy with who I am and strive towards improving myself and setting goals to work towards like finishing my studies and working on improving my skill at my hobbies.

Hope this helped and good luck.
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Re: So.

Postby Hakuzo NightFox on Mon Jun 04, 2012 8:56 am

hrm... I part, I was in a kind of similar situation as you. As a whole I don't care for the general populace. I recently moved from out of my home and got a bit of a job now about 2 states away from where I used to live. My family was being a constant pain and drama was abound everywhere. I always had someone trying to tell me what I had to do or such.

But also right now my mother is the same way as this. She has panic disorders and anxiety attacks.... she's so afraid to go out the door that I had to do all the shopping... and practically take care of everything while I was there. She is fairly worse-case here.


but first off, sometimes the answers are not found without like there were with me. I was given a very rare opportunity and I took it. Now I'm living in West Virginia. I finally got away from the problems and now things are starting to clam down a bit.

I feel that you need start with the one close to you. Carefully talk to them and tell them your concerns. Granted, use caution with this because you don't want to be pushed into something you don't want to do. (like psychiatrists and such.)

Also, don't try to start off big either. I wouldn't recommend going to places like bars or clubs, that can just make you feel worse and more lonely. Start by finding people that share your own quarks and interests.

If you want to start meeting new people start with something like Second Life. It mostly free to play unless you buy random things, but it is completely optional. You can then go on to find people with similar interests or you could just explore the virtual world.It does help you get used to people, but you do have to watch out for trolls and such like anywhere you go.

Other things you could use is Facebook, Twitter or other social places just to talk to random people.
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Re: So.

Postby DanWithTheHat on Mon Jun 04, 2012 8:48 pm

Thank you for posting this, Oseirus. I also have similar issues and lately, it has been bothering me more than usual. A lot of the thoughts that you posted have come to my mind as well. Seeing this thread has made me feel a little better knowing I'm not the only one with these thoughts.

Like you, I was never diagnosed with any disorder or anything but I never was a very social person and meeting new people or being in large groups of unfamiliar people always has been a frightening experience for me. While it doesn't affect me as much now as it used to, this fear is always with me. Even now as a college student, I never had any ambition to go to parties, or go out to clubs and bars. Even in a few of the small parties I've attended with with friends, I never felt 100% comfortable.

My methods to get over this anxiety are similar to Avolendi's and over the past few years, I have been becoming more comfortable interacting with unfamiliar people. One thing that helps me whenever i start to feel uncomfortable or anxious is to step away from everyone around me for a minute or two (maybe take a walk or go to the bathroom to wash my hands) to collect my thoughts and reassure myself that I shouldn't be afraid of people judging me for acting like myself. This has been pretty effective so far at neutralizing my anxiety in large groups for the past few years.

Hopefully this post helped. Try not to get discouraged! :)
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