Feelings Jam

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Feelings Jam

Postby deltron zero on Wed Sep 19, 2012 2:51 am

I've noticed that there are topics for almost everything, but most only have a post or two about one specific subject. I'd like this to be different. I want this topic to be a place where people who are feeling down/up/unsure/whatever can have a feelings jam and let their problems out. Because you really do feel better if you talk about it.

As a rule, I would like people to avoid being judgemental, rude, coercive, threatening, or any other thing that I can't think about that is all around jerk-behavior. This is a place for people to let it out, not to be judged.

I'll go first. Up until the other day, I've been angry. There wasn't any reason for it, no single event caused it, but going day to day was difficult because I would have episodes where it would surface and I would have to actively try to keep myself from flying off the handle. It was like a little pit of rage that I could usually keep contained with little effort, but at times I struggled to keep my composure just sitting there with my friends. However, the other morning I was walking to class in one of my fits, when all of a sudden it just disappeared. It didn't subside like normal, where I would slowly feel myself calming down, I just didn't feel anything. I know it should be a good thing, but now I just feel a little empty inside. Like, it just spent the last few years of my life making me miserable, but now it's just gonna leave without a trace? I don't know, this is one of the first times in a while that I've actually felt happy, that I've actually felt content to just sit there and listen to the wind blow without thinking about anything. I guess I can get used to it.
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Re: Feelings Jam

Postby Reed R Gale on Thu Sep 20, 2012 1:05 am

That's a good feeling, enjoy serenity while it lasts, and try to gleam wisdom in the moments of clarity.

I've been feeling lonely. For all my life, I've been a rather aloof person wearing different masks for different people, different masks for my parents, different masks for each of my friends, different masks for my teachers and so on. It's come to the point where I accept all of them as a part of me, every one of them as an important facet of my existence. But the problem is... I feel I can't be all of them at once for one person. I want to show someone all of me, but I can't do that. It makes me feel alone and cut off because I'm able to relate with everyone, but no one can relate to me, because the me I recognize isn't simple by any means. I've been wondering if I'm truly all those people I make myself to be, and if those are all personas of my existence, what is the me behind the mask? It is that which I feel someone must see, but I wonder how I can do that without even myself knowing who the true me is, if there even is one.
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Re: Feelings Jam

Postby Avolendi on Thu Sep 20, 2012 8:46 am

I have my problems and I have an idea what causes most of them. So I try to work on them and improve day by day. Even if it's doesn't always work, it helps to keep it in mind.

Reed: There is always a true you. Whether you are aware of who you are is a different story and it's not strange that you don't have a final answer on that. There are things you know of yourself that others do not, just as there are things others may know about you that you are unaware of. There are even aspects of yourself that neither you nor others are aware of.

Though it is difficult to give proper advice without knowing how things are for you exactly, the answer to your question is in a sense in your own question. If you want other people to relate to you for who you are, then you first need to allow them to know who you are.
Who you could share that with and to what degree is, that is something you need to judge for yourself. It might help to know that, in varying degrees, everyone has masks they use for different places or people.

Hopefully this helps in some way.
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Re: Feelings Jam

Postby deltron zero on Sat Sep 22, 2012 2:17 am

Dude. Reed. I know exactly how you feel. I've been the exact same way my entire life. I can easily empathize and relate with people, but when I come up, I'm not sure what to say.

For me though, it's more of a reluctance than anything else to tell people about myself. It's like, I'm always the one people go to when they want to let their problems out, but seldom am I ever offered (nor do I ever try to) let people know what's going on with me. I think it stems from the fact that I was never a trouble child like the rest of my siblings, they would be off being stupid and young while I contented myself with following the rules and not causing a stir. So naturally, nobody ever really tried to know what I was feeling. But I kind of prefer that. I resent it when people try to ask me how I'm feeling, or what problems I'm going through, because I've never really had to answer those questions. And lately, I feel like even the people closest to me, my family and friends, don't deserve to know. Usually this amounts to people just assuming I don't actually ever have issues, and is probably what draws them to confide with me.

In keeping with the mask analogy, that's always just the one that I show them, because shoot, since nobody ever really cared how I've felt, I never bothered actually defining to myself what I was actually feeling and who I actually was. I've thought to myself before that I'm the man with a million masks, but no face. And though recently I've figured out a few concrete truths about myself, I'm still just as lost as you are man. I don't know if anything I said pertains to you at all, but it seems to me like we're on the same boat. So if you ever need a bro to just chat with about problems, then you know where to find me.

On a slightly less personal, but still quite riling note: I got socked in the face today by some crazy dude getting off the bus today. I don't know if he was on drugs or something, but I was bleeding all over my face. He caught me off guard, otherwise I wouldn't be typing this and instead would be in jail for murder, but I called the cops and they arrested him for Assault. The prick broke my headphones too, but I'm sure they're gonna make him pay for them.
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Re: Feelings Jam

Postby Reed R Gale on Sat Sep 22, 2012 2:33 am

That last part, insult to injury, bro. A casulty of the fray.

And what you said does seem to apply to me. I am a middle child who follows the rules and as a result, no one assumes I have issues. Well that seems to be changing as of late, but for the longest time, I've been the man to come to with problems, because I never seem to have any myself. And I take delight in that role. It makes me feel to have some purpose.

But what I hate, hate, HATE is how jealous I am of their problems. It's almost, no, it is stupid that I want to have the same problems, suffer the same misfortunes because I feel my life is boring. The faceless man is a small part in everything, but the "small" is the key word. Always a part of things, perhaps even an integral part, but small. Sometimes I want to be the one who makes everything work perfectly, I want to be the one with the special skills that can push the team through to the end. Not just some person who helps on the sidelines. I seem doomed to above average-ness though, a state that grants me the skill of empathy. A blessing and a curse.

Unfortunately, I'm smart enough to know my role, while not flashy, is important. But nonetheless, I wish the lonely feeling would go away.
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Re: Feelings Jam

Postby deltron zero on Sat Sep 22, 2012 3:56 am

Reed R Gale wrote:That last part, insult to injury, bro. A casulty of the fray.

And what you said does seem to apply to me. I am a middle child who follows the rules and as a result, no one assumes I have issues. Well that seems to be changing as of late, but for the longest time, I've been the man to come to with problems, because I never seem to have any myself. And I take delight in that role. It makes me feel to have some purpose.

But what I hate, hate, HATE is how jealous I am of their problems. It's almost, no, it is stupid that I want to have the same problems, suffer the same misfortunes because I feel my life is boring. The faceless man is a small part in everything, but the "small" is the key word. Always a part of things, perhaps even an integral part, but small. Sometimes I want to be the one who makes everything work perfectly, I want to be the one with the special skills that can push the team through to the end. Not just some person who helps on the sidelines. I seem doomed to above average-ness though, a state that grants me the skill of empathy. A blessing and a curse.

Unfortunately, I'm smart enough to know my role, while not flashy, is important. But nonetheless, I wish the lonely feeling would go away.


Jesus Christ man, that's exactly how I feel. You even got the middle child part down. And it's not stupid to feel that way man, trust me. Everything you just stated is true for me, and I can tell you, that I know exactly how you feel. My entire life I've always seen myself as a secondary character. That I would never accomplish anything, but I would be the one who helps the actual hero to achieve the goal. I would be the stepping ladder to greatness, but never the one to achieve it. The same would be the same for every aspect of my life, I would be the uncle, but never the father, the groomsmen but never the groom. In short, to me, the good emotions, and event the bad, would never be something that I could achieve. Not for lack of trying, but simply because they were just things I was never meant to have. Never good enough to actually achieve those things, but never bad enough to warrant help.

And though I continue to accept that, despite not being so angry while doing it, I think you should at least know that you're not alone Reed. Like I said, reading what you've typed, I'm almost convinced that I don't have another account subconsciously and am posting about myself under the name Reed R Gale.
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Re: Feelings Jam

Postby DanWithTheHat on Sat Sep 22, 2012 12:02 pm

I didn't know that middle children all have similar issues. :lol:

I am also a middle child who has followed the rules and never really did anything crazy like my siblings but because of that, many times I would feel forgotten about because people would assume everything is alright with me. My introverted personality didn't help with that either. I've felt, like you guys said, like a secondary character in life whose accomplishments would never be as great as what my older bro did or as noticeable as what my younger sister was doing.It is something that really bothered me throughout my teen years. A lot of what you guys posted went through my mind as well and still does from time to time.

Going to college though and doing something that really interests me really has helped me deal with this. I was able to start a new path on my own and with people who see me as an individual. It has really boosted my confidence in myself and in my abilities. It's still a tough battle working through my problems and there are set backs along the way but I think I'm on the right track now. I'm sure you guys will find your own way in life too, eventually.
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Re: Feelings Jam

Postby Wreckeronezero on Sun Sep 23, 2012 6:30 pm

Aside from the fact that im the youngest in my family i know exactly how you guys feel, because im also exactly the same way, while im only 15, ive been through ALOT of stuff. I suffer from PTSD after we had a house fire when I was 8 or so, and having something like that happen when your that young it ruins a part of you deep down for the rest of your life. Ive at current count, moved around the U.S.A. 26 times due to my father having been an aviator in the Navy, so after having made many friends and then leaving them behind again,and again, and again, I keep to myself, and generaly am not very social, because ive become so accustomed to making friends and then leaving them behind I no longer try to make and friends so i dont have to deal with the pain of leaving them behind.
also having grown up in a military family I follow all the rules which often leads everyone, like you guys have all said, to think I have no problems of my own. And also like you have all said, everyone comes to me looking for answers, yet when Im asked a question I cant answer it. So for me it is just amazing to know im not the only person with a personality and/or problems like this.
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Re: Feelings Jam

Postby Reed R Gale on Sun Sep 23, 2012 7:59 pm

We are all clones. We're all the same person in different families. WhooooooooooOOOOOooooo.
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